Whether it’s a boy, girl, nightmare, miracle or accident, a baby is a pretty life-changing arrival for any parent. In Kirk Jones’ new comedy What to Expect When You’re Expecting (2012) some of Hollywood’s best looking individuals including Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Chace Crawford and Matthew Morrison experience the highs and lows of pregnancy and invite the audience to join in their journey from conception to birth.
In celebration of the film’s release, we have gathered together some of the best parenting tips Hollywood has given over recent years to create The Hollywood Guide to Parenting.
Don’t Mess with Smart Children
As adults, we like to believe that we are smarter than the average child. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. The prospect of taking candy from a baby is not what it used to be, so do not be fooled into thinking a child can be manipulated or terrified by an adult presence. Should you suspect a child to be an idiot, it is best to test this theory before acting on it. If the child outsmarts you, it is then best admit defeat rather than push the child any further.
Babies are Stronger than they Look
Just as children can be smarter than they look, babies can be a lot stronger than they look. As long as the baby’s most basic needs are taken care of, they can withstand a lot more than one may initially think. A few knocks and drops are nothing to be concerned with. Many would call these ‘character building’. Therefore any baby who finds themselves in a dangerous or bizarre situation should not cause their parents any concern.
Pay Attention to Your Dreams
During pregnancy, the mother is likely to go through many mental challenges. Hallucinations, memory loss and high emotions are all common and should be ignored. However, under no circumstances should you ignore your dreams. If the mother dreams she has been impregnated by the devil, she has most likely been impregnated by the devil. If she dreams your baby will be some sort of evil second-coming, you baby is likely to be some sort of evil second-coming. In these circumstances the best course of action is to leave the mother. If you are the mother it is best to consider suicide.
How to Give “The Talk”
Telling your teenagers about the birds and the bees is always going to be an awkward moment. Most of the time it’s safe to assume they have learnt the basics from various media, but if you feel it’s still advisable to tell them more it is best to avoid using food related analogies. Also, don’t attempt to use visual aids or try and bond with the child at the same time as subjecting them to this humiliating experience. These tactics will only lead to disaster.
Get Them a Pet
All children want a friend for life, and that’s exactly what a pet is. Whether you decide to get the traditional dog or maybe adopt a penguin, dolphin or even monkey, the experience of having a pet is certain to be nothing but wonderful for your entire family. They are all cheap to keep and will bring every member of your family closer together. Luckily, the pain of the passing of a pet is almost never an issue and they often make fantastic babysitters.
Money = Love
Poor people are unlikely to make good parents. As a mother or father it is essential you are good-looking, powerful and wealthy. If this isn’t the case it is up to you to change your circumstances. At the same time, it is important you are an attentive individual. If this is not possible it would be advisable to either use your wealth to buy your child a pet or hire a nanny (preferably Julie Andrews). As a wealthy and powerful parent it is also likely that you will have high expectations of your child… it is sensible to force these as low as possible to avoid disappointment.
Scrutinise Your Child’s Art Work
If there is one certain insight into the mental state of your young child, it is their art work. If, on studying a recent picture drawn by your child you see bright colours, rainbows and smiles, everything is fine. However, if you child uses only black crayons, draws monsters or repeats the same drawing over and over again, it’s time to call an adoption agency. If you are unsure, ask your child to explain each picture to you. You will soon know whether they are harmless drawings or a reason to panic.
Always Ask Where Your Child is Going
Should your teenage son or daughter comment they are going away for the weekend with their friends; there are a few words that should ring alarm bells. These are: CABIN, WOODS, ROAD TRIP, HOSTEL, HALLOWEEN etc. If they tell you the following: “I’m going on a road trip to a hostel which is a cabin in the middle of some secluded woods with no electricity over the Halloween weekend”, the best course of action is to lock them in a cupboard for the foreseeable future.
If You Are Hiring a Nanny, Only Julie Andrews will Do
If you’re going to hire a nanny, the only one worth having is Julie Andrews. She will arrive free of charge and will teach your children not only manners but also to sing. As well as this she will mend any broken bridges between yourself and other family members. Once she has done her work, which incidentally only takes a few weeks, she will have worked magic so that your children can look after themselves.
Nothing Stays a Secret for Long
Finally, it is important to note that though it is always tempting to protect our offspring from the harsh truths of the world, keeping the identity of a child’s mother or father a secret is never a good idea. Nine times out of ten the child will uncover the truth on their own and this usually leads to catastrophe. By keeping such secrets from them you could, in fact, be creating a situation which is completely unnecessary and will lead to extreme harm for all involved. The simple solution is to tell them the truth at the start, no matter how humiliated you are…
What to Expect when You’re Expecting is released in cinemas on 25th May – read our review here